The First Sign [David’s blog on Not So Flawed Wednesday]

It is the morning after. After talking about how life can change in an instant, we took our coffee and walked around the car looking for certain damage and were surprised that there was no more than a few additional scratches. Little Baby Scion has her share of dings and dents and it was difficult to discern what was old and what was new. Thank goodness. At the time it sounded much worse.

The storm was upon us in a moment. We were driving the backroads home from Chicago Pridefest. Jen was texting us about tornado warnings when the alarms sounded on our phones. Take cover. We’d been watching with trepidation the intense lightning to our north, the direction we were headed. The rain came first. In buckets. And then, like a one-two-punch, the wind. Shrapnel pelted and rocked the car, bits of bark and limbs – at least that’s what we surmised. And, as Kerri said, suddenly Little Baby Scion wanted to take flight. She fought to keep the car on the road. We pulled into a parking lot, away from signs, trees and telephone poles. We maneuvered close behind the brick building, a wind block because, once again, Little Baby Scion was no match for the gusts and was attempting to lift off. Cars, as I understand them, are supposed to keep their tires on the ground.

And we sat, eyes-wide-open. “Better to be hit by things falling off the building,” she said, “than to be airborne.” A tale of no good choices.

We pulled up the radar images (now, isn’t it a miracle of technology that, hunkered down in our car in the middle of a storm, we could see a colorful satellite view of the storm’s angry trajectory) and saw that north of us, home, the storm was breaking. However, where we were sitting, a restaurant parking lot in Waukegan, was about to get clobbered. So, when the wind took a breather, when we no longer feared taking flight, we drove north, dodging downed limbs and debris.

We pulled into our driveway. The rain had passed. I had to peel her fingers from the steering wheel. “We’re safe,” I said. “Let’s get inside.”

I knew all was well when she looked at me and asked, “Do you think we could have a glass of wine?” The first sign of gratitude…

read Kerri’s blogpost about THE STORM

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Travel Together [David’s blog on Merely A Thought Monday]

There are two phases. When I was younger, phase one, I thought everything I had to say was of vital importance. I thought I could help-the-world so I needed to be heard. And, I worked hard to be heard. Don Quixote. “A man of questionable sanity.” Now, each day, I open my site analytics and am astounded that anyone finds value in anything I have to write. Phase two in a nutshell: I am having a conversation with myself and am more and more certain that I know nothing at all.

Not knowing was once a fear. Something to mask. Now it is a certitude. A given. In fact, it is now something of a north star.

I am grateful beyond measure that you-out-there are reading this travelogue of my wandering mind. Truly. I am astonished that you actually choose to spend a few moments of your day with me. I know nothing of real value to share.

And then I remember. Each night Kerri and I watch videos made by through-hikers. Each hiker starts their journey alone and inevitably, through happenstance, finds their travel family. Each hiker-tale carries the same revelation: the real value of the trail is found in the people who walk it with them. No one cares what their companions know or do-not-know. They care that they walk with people of like mind, people who care for them as much as they care for the others in the group. They listen to each other. They create safety together. They laugh. They support. They share.

Although you show up on my screen as a number beneath a bar chart, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can’t possibly be reduced to a statistic. You are my travel companion and I am, in a small way, yours. Sancho Panza both directions. I hear you when your number pops up on my screen; I know that you hear me. It matters not what of my mind-rambling finds letters and words as long as they fly through space-time and find you. As long as your response, as small as a single click, finds me.

And that’s the healing part of the story. Always. I see you/you see me. I hear you/you hear me. I watch for you/you watch for me. It has very little to do with what we know and everything to do with what we experience together.

read Kerri’s blogpost about BEING HEARD

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Welcome The Surprise [David’s blog on Merely A Thought Monday]

“I would love to live like the river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.” ~ John O’Donohue

Day one. A mimosa. A special breakfast. A question: what will this year bring? In truth, it’s the umbrella question to the question we ask each morning. What will today bring?

Kerri keeps a calendar. Each day of the year she records special events, bills paid, meals made, important phone calls. She records the sacred and mundane. On the last night of the year or the first morning of the new year, we read her calendar. Each review is chock-a-block with surprises. “I forgot about that!” we exclaim.

And, with each calendar review, comes a ritual final summation: the year past was nothing like we anticipated. What was thought to be solid exploded. What was thought to be predictable was volatile. It was a rolling ball of surprises. It was defined by the unforeseeable.

It is always a rolling ball of surprises. Births and deaths. The losses leaving holes in our hearts yet making new space for love’s expansion. New trails discovered and old friends found. New friends, too. The obstacles that jumped in front of our path. The obstacles that suddenly and without warning disappeared. Old fears roaring to be heard. New fears sending us running in one particular direction: away. Then, the deep well of laughter that bubbles to the surface when we realize (as we always do) that our fears are mostly made-up. Tiny monsters. Shadow puppets.

As we read the calendar we are surprised by our courage in some moments and our cowardice in others. We are particularly amused – or not – when our cowardice appeared to be courage and vice-versa. There are days when the only notation in the calendar is an unhappy face, a dark day when together we completely lost our sense of humor. Gratefully, those days are few and far between.

The river flows with no regard of our notation. The trick, we learn again and again, is to welcome the surprise of its unfolding. Rather than try to swim upstream against the current-of-time in an always fruitless attempt to control, to reach for the imagined safety of the known, the lesson learned on every day-one is to give over to the mystery of the unfolding. To relax and choose to be in the flow. To welcome the surprises in all their iterations, the rapids, the rocks, the waterfalls and those rare and cherished stretches of calm.

read Kerri’s blogpost about LOVE

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Play Well [David’s blog on Not So Flawed Wednesday]

“It takes a very long time to become young.” ~ Pablo Picasso

Early in our collaboration, when my plan seemed too fun-loving for our corporate clients, it struck fear in the heart of my business partner. I was fond of telling her, “Everyone really wants to play.”

And, I believed it. I believe it still. Everyone really wants to play. The challenge of stimulating entrepreneurship or innovation or creativity is never about opening minds; it is to scale the fortress walls we erect around our light hearts. The same is true with change initiatives and diversity-equity-inclusion. The heart is the target and playfulness is the path.

In general, the epicenter of what ails us is that we take ourselves too seriously. The cure: play. When the mask of seriousness falls, there’s nothing left to do but play well with others.

I am reminded of the cure every time we assemble at the cabin with The Up North Gang. The overriding intention of our gatherings is to take nothing seriously. To play. We eat too much. We snack with abandon. We adventure. We make space for fun and eschew all serious pursuits. We laugh. Spirits are lifted. Eyes and hearts open. Ideas and imagination flow like a raging river, so warm, safe and impish are our companions.

Play is an action but it is also the fruit of an environment. People cannot play if they do not feel safe. Another truism I learned during my walk in the organizational wastelands: environment creates behavior. So many serious faces; so much fear of being seen “as”… There’s nothing like a safe space to foster a hotbed of creativity.

A warm autumn day, a blue-blue sky, the leaves vibrant with fall color. A quiet mind. An open heart. A great relief. I realized that over these many months Kerri and I have not felt safe, swimming as we are on the bottom of Maslow’s Hierarchy. I was suddenly and profoundly overwhelmed by the lightness in my heart, the ease in my being, the great gift of our Up North Gang.

A gentle reminder that the path forward is rarely found by squeezing together synapses and figuring-it-out in-the-mind. The path becomes clear when illuminated by the lively spirit of play. Heart-paths become visible. I smiled at all that I know and too often forget. Everyone really wants to play.

read Kerri’s blogpost about AUTUMN UP NORTH

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Re-Realize The Beauty [David’s blog on Two Artists Tuesday]

I have thrown old journals into the fire. Letters from long lost friends have gone into the flames. Paintings, too. More than once, at a retreat, the facilitator asked us to write about fears or obstacles and ceremonially commit them to the flames. A statement of release. A marker in time: letting go.

When I was young I spent many nights in the mountains. The campfire was primal. Light and warmth against the cold dark of night. The fire was safety. In an experience that, to this day, makes me laugh and blush, camping with my brothers and dad, the fire having burned to soft embers, we climbed into our sleeping bags. Deep in the night a large animal crashed through the brush, sent us scared and scrambling to reignite the embers. We stoked a mighty roaring fire. The savage creature circled our camp for hours, snapping branches, staying just beyond the light. Running low on wood and still hours from dawn, we debated what to do. At the height of our anxiety, the peak of our fear, the imagined mountainous hungry bear moooooooo-ed. Our fire kept us safe from a wayward cow.

In our backyard we have a fire pit (a solo stove), a flame tower (propane), tiki torches of all sizes, and a chiminea. No matter the source, we light the flame and inevitably all conversation ceases. We stare, lost in thought, the flames having danced our monkey minds into quiet peace.

In the story, Prometheus steals the spark-of-life from Zeus. Fire. He wants to ignite the hearts of his creations, his humans, made from clay and sticks. He knows that Zeus will disapprove because he’s made his humans beautiful rather than the crude forms Zeus commanded him to make. That’s why he had to steal the fire. To ignite beautiful hearts, capable minds, generous souls. He was successful though Zeus, according to the story, has worked diligently to corrupt the beautiful humans and infuse them with ugliness, keeping them distant from their true nature.

Staring into the fire, with a quiet mind, it’s possible to hear Prometheus’ whisper. In the flame dances the possibility of safety, quiet mind, the capacity to let go the hurt, and for a moment, to re-realize the beauty, ignited by the spark, beating in the hearts of his humans.

read Kerri’s blogpost about FIRE

This is the first painting in a triptych I created for my performance of The Creatures Of Prometheus – with The Portland Chamber Orchestra. This is “Prometheus:Creation.” 48 x 96IN

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Take Pride [on Two Artists Tuesday]

This is Pride month and, for myself, to the the brilliant rainbow flag I’m adding a metaphor: the circle.

The circle is a universal symbol and that is precisely the point. Ubiquitous. Common. Applicable to all.

Google the metaphoric meanings of a circle and you’ll discover simple, nonpareil aspirations. “The circle is both an image and metaphor of completeness and equality. There is both protection and democracy within its confines as people face each other without visual hierarchy.”

Completeness and equality. I rolled these words around a bit. Celebrations like Pride are how we strive to complete the dream of equality. Or, better: how the dream of equality strives to fulfill our founding intention. It’s written in our Declaration of Independence. We hold these truths to be self-evident.

Protection is a word but in practice it is among the deepest of human necessities. Protection is the gift of equal inclusion. Every single point on the circle is necessary; “…without visual hierarchy”. Inclusion has recently been made a tug-of-war term, a specter of the scary monster, Woke, but beyond the ruckus it is not an abstract highbrow concept. Not really. It’s a fundamental: a community that cares for its own. In tribal communities being cast-out is a fate worse than death. An outcast is never safe. Safety-for-all is among the aspirations of Pride. To come safely home. One need not be woke to grasp the concept. Compassion for others requires very little sophistication to grok.

And so, for me, I take Pride in the circle. That which leads back to itself, the original source. Our oneness. Our deepest humanity. Wholeness. Original perfection. Timeless. All the colors of the rainbow.

read Kerri’s blogpost about THE CIRCLE

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Meditate On It [on Merely A Thought Monday]

I was struck by how important it felt. How could something so routine seem like such a big deal! We used to do it all the time. Without thought. Nothing special. Now, it felt like a significant passage. A step toward “normal”: we took the train to Chicago.

Covid was the great disrupter. Daily patterns exploded. Social norms obliterated. It changed us in ways that we are only now beginning to comprehend. To this day – without thinking – if someone stands too close to me in the grocery store I adjust, creating distance. A dance of protection. That small adjustment away from someone is a titanic statement about how I approach social situations, about how I feel about being with others. Keep-them-at-arms-length.

In other words, I’m meditating on safety all of the time.

I don’t think I’m alone in my meditation. I believe the central meditation in my nation is safety – rather, our lack of safety. We wouldn’t be arming ourselves to the teeth if we felt safe. We wouldn’t be ripping at the seams or tolerating corrupt bullies or gobbling up conspiracies if we felt secure. People do not willingly plant their heads in the sand when times are good. In good times, people look up, people reach toward each other. Generosity of spirit engenders generosity toward others. A poverty of spirit engenders animosity toward others.

In other words, no one meditates alone. The big meditations are shared.

Of course, it is also true that people rarely make significant change when times are good. The gift of disruption is progress though the first phase is often nasty and necessarily looks precarious. I suppose we are in the nasty stage of change.

It was not so long ago that a gathering with friends began with testing to make sure no one was carrying the virus. Testing became the norm. It was routine. Am I safe? Are you? Do you remember washing your groceries or isolating your mail for 24 hours when we did not yet understand how the virus was passed? It fundamentally reoriented our experience of being with others.

I think about my safety when I enter a crowd. I look for exit routes when I enter the grocery store. And, last weekend, we stepped onto a train for the first time since the great disruption. It felt momentous. A marker in time. Rather than taking a step away, we took an intentional step toward.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and ours was a step onto a train. Each small step toward others, each reach, each moment of listening…matters. It creates the progress borne of the disruption. I look forward to taking many more small steps.

I don’t know about you but I’m more than ready for a different meditation.

read Kerri’s blogpost on THE TRAIN

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Return To The Nest [on DR Thursday]

In a few weeks we will travel to a small town in Iowa for my dad’s inurnment. It is the town of his birth. Although he never lived there during his adult life, it is the place he called home. It is somehow appropriate that we will take him home in spring.

I’ve had plenty of time to think about the coming ritual. It’s now associated for me with the birth of the bunnies in our backyard. We watched the momma-rabbit dig the nest but thought she’d rejected the spot once she’d experienced our enthusiastic dog who regularly terrorizes critters in the backyard. She knew what she was doing. We discovered the truth the day we caught Dogga proudly carrying a baby bunny around in his mouth. He dropped the bunny, unharmed. We went on a 24/7 backyard bunny watch.

Once, sitting on the deck watching the terrorist Dogga run circles, I decided to check out the nest. I stopped in my tracks when I realized two babies were gnawing on grass just inches from my feet. They hopped back to their nest. I watched as they disappeared into the safety of the dark void.

The dark void. The safety of the nest.

Years ago I started a painting. My dad emerging from a field of corn. Or returning to the field of corn. I’m not sure why I painted it. He often talked of his desire to return to his hometown but he could never find a way to make a living there. His yearning seemed profound. I suppose my painting was an attempt to understand the anchor of “home”; I have been a wanderer so his longing seemed incomprehensible.

Watching the bunnies race for their nest and disappear into the comfort of darkness sent a shock of recognition through me. It helped me understand. Away from his nest, he felt like an alien in a confusing frenetic world. In that place, he felt safe. Known. He understood the rules. He knew the stories. He was attuned to the pace.

It is somehow appropriate. We will take him home, return him to his nest, in spring.

I’m still working on my site...go here to see my continued indecision

read Kerri’s blogpost about BUNNIES

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Dial Three Numbers [on Not So Flawed Wednesday]

Last month, when the car across the street blew up, there was general pandemonium until the fire department arrived. In a few moments, order was restored. People, myself included, who only moments before had been running around in panic, gathered at the end of our driveway and watched the methodical dousing of the fire. Tragedy turned to block party the minute the men and women of the fire and police departments took charge. We transitioned from unsafe to secure, in a heartbeat, from “I don’t know what to do,” to, “I’m so glad they know what to do”. Neighbors chatted. Speculated. We shared tales of the explosion. We compared notes while the people who know what to do put out the fire and cleaned up the mess.

We take for granted the security we enjoy. In the back of my mind, I know that dialing three simple numbers into the phone will summon people who know what to do.

We awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of our basement carbon monoxide alarms blaring. We turned on the lights but something was dreadfully wrong. It was as if the entire house was on a dimmer switch: there was light but it was very dim. And then we heard a buzzing sound in the ceiling. And then the smell of hot electric wires filled the room.

We dialed three simple numbers. In a panic, we put the dog, our bag with important papers, and the computers into the car.

And then, the people who know what to do arrived with their red lights ablaze. They calmly came in the house. They searched every square inch of our home with heat sensing technology. They pinpointed the source of the buzz and the burning smell. It was not yet dire but could have been bad had we not been awakened by the alarms. Within minutes of their arrival, our fear dissipated. Problems were identified. Safety was secured. Advice given.

We were safe. We dialed three simple numbers and help was on the way.

read Kerri’s blog post about FIRE ENGINES

Welcome Home [on Not So Flawed Wednesday]

The people that bought my parent’s home flipped it in a few months. They remodeled the bathrooms and updated the kitchen. They refaced the fireplace. They pulled up the carpet and refinished the hardwood floors. It was gorgeous. It was a surprising chapter of what has become my unintentional 2021 mediation: home. At the beginning of the summer, after days of hauling and cleaning, as my last act before leaving for good, Kerri suggested that I crawl into the cedar closet of my boyhood bedroom (I loved sitting in that closet as a boy) and sign my name. A sweet goodbye and thank you. Home is a memory.

It was only a few months ago that we moved my mom into her “new home.” She wanders the halls and we know that time is the only cure for what she seeks. Home, for her, will be a feeling that finds her, at last, only after the wear and tear in the rooms is of her making. Her pacing is wearing a trail, carving a path. Home is a feeling.

In the past 8 months my dad has moved three times into his “new home.” Memory care facilities are surprisingly inept at caring for elders who’ve lost their memories. High price. Low care. Everything is a business: a theme/rant for another post. In his current home, finally, he feels safe and, after a trip out, wants to return to his room. Home is safety.

Before his memory was gone, we took my dad back to his hometown, Monticello, Iowa. His primary need was to show us the tiny Home that his grandfather built. It’s the place where his dad was born. It is across the yard from where he was born. His tales were glorious in their hardship. They needed very little to make good memories. Today, the tiny house built with no money and huge heart is a storage shed but through my father’s eyes it was nothing short of a castle. I will always savor the image of him standing in front of his Home. Home is an origin and an anchor.

When we pull into the driveway, after a long trip or a jaunt to the store, we always greet our home, “Hello, happy house!” Our home feels alive, a presence or being. The walls carry our story. The rooms remember and replay the voices of her children. We’re packing a lot of story into the walls of our old house. It is packing a lot of story into us. Home is a relationship.

When we came upon the woodpecker-condo-tree, Brad said in jest, “Why don’t you stick your hand in there.” We laughed. “I told him I’d be like the monkey with its fist in the coconut, I wouldn’t be able to let go of the critter inside and also wouldn’t be able to get my fist out of the small hole. I’d be stuck on the trail forever. The woodpecker condo would be my new home. Kerri and Jen were inspecting the perfect circles. It felt good to be on a walk with them. It had been a long time since we’d had the chance to just hang out. Home is a friendship.

We had tacos at Jay and Charlies with the Up North gang. Jay showed us her new porch. We sat in the shade and drank margaritas and laughed. I told Jay that her porch and yard felt serene. She smiled and told me that it was her sanctuary. I was, for a moment, completely overwhelmed by how much life we’ve walked with these special people. Passages. We’ve shared and received so much support – immediate presence when need arose – from our stalwart gang. Sanctuary. Home is a community.

It’s just as the needlepoint declares: Home is sweet.

read Kerri’s blog post on Home Sweet Home