The Direction of Intention

Among my vast archives of good-advice-received is a gem from Karola. I’ve often written about her wisdom: “Let yourself go empty,” she said. She laughed knowing that “going empty” would be a struggle for me. There is nothing more vulnerable or frightening for a young artist than to admit that their well is dry. What if the muse never comes back? “Going empty” at that phase of my life was akin to abandoning my identity. It felt like a step into the void.

As it turns out going empty was among the best things I ever did for myself. It stands among the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned. Spring requires winter. All budding artists eventually learn that artistry is not what you do – it is who you are. Going empty is the path to learning it. Karola knew exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it.

Have you not, at one time or another, been left in awe at an insight that comes from a confluence of seeming random experiences? Pieces of a puzzle coming together in what might seem arbitrary but is, in fact, a magic key that unlocks the door to deeper understanding? Last week, after wrestling for months with a play, I decided to leave it alone for awhile. In truth, after wrestling for months, I finally wrote a section that had merit – and when I saved the file it simply disappeared. Poof! After several attempts to find and retrieve the file, my computer insisted that the file was corrupted. I took it as a sign. Give it some space. Leave it alone.

Just as I’d decided to let the project go, we received a message from a man who wanted to buy the remains of my rocking chair. This chair has lived in every studio I’ve ever occupied. Except for my easel it is the only piece of furniture I’ve carried through my nomadic life. In our most recent basement flood a pipe burst directly above the chair, blasting the caning and destroyed the seat, damaging the finish and annihilating a hardcover sketchbook resting on the arm. I decided my chair deserved a better place-in-the-world. It deserved to be with someone who could properly restore it and take better care of it. The message from a buyer sent me reeling. I, of course, denied it. Kerri saw my distress and helped me see it. Every single painting I’ve created in my adult life was rocked into existence in that chair. It’s history was my history. We told the buyer that the chair was already spoken for.

I sat for several minutes with the remains of my chair. There was no one on earth who could better care for it because there was no one on earth who cared more about it than me.We’ll find someone who does caning. We’ll find an upholsterer who can repair the damage and replace the seat or we’ll do it ourselves.

I turned all my canvases to the wall, turned off the salt lamp and climbed the stairs. I met Kerri in the sunroom where we ate Munchos, drank wine, and debriefed the day. I confessed my revelation: I was going to sell my chair because I did not feel worthy of it – which, of course, is a statement not at all about the chair. It was a jolt akin to the discovery of a secret passageway that leads to a hidden chamber of secrets. A lingering question of worth.

Later it felt like opening the window and bringing fresh air to rush into a long-sealed dark and stale room.

I felt exhausted. I felt relieved. I felt as if I could breathe.

“It’s time to go empty.” I heard Kerri say. I heard Karola laughing. Jump into the void. This time, no timid stepping: jump. Really jump. Clear space for a worthy abundant spring.

read Kerri’s blog about the MUNCHO HEART

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