The Direction of Intention

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The crows are with me again. I woke up very early this morning and decided to take a walk. The sun was just peaking above the Cascades and the day was already warm. With fresh coffee in my favorite mug (the one the potter debated throwing away because it leans but fired and finished anyway. Its imperfection is what makes it perfect. Wabi Sabi!), I set out for a slow meditative walk.

Until a few weeks ago I would have traced my usual path but now I avoid a certain stretch of beach because of an assassin crow. This crow wants me dead. It’s personal. The crow doesn’t attack other beach walkers, only me. The crow has been trying to murder me for a few years and I have grown fond of the game we play: he puts me on notice when I approach his territory, he chases me and has taught me not to turn my back on him, if he actually makes contact with my head he gets 3 points, if I make it through the gauntlet untouched I get 3 points. There is nothing like an assassin crow to teach you the finer points of presence.

Recently, the game changed for me. I have a shoulder injury that makes sudden movements VERY painful. Did I say painful? Excruciating might be more accurate, the big ouch, the I-don’t-have-words-to describe-this-kind-of-pain pain. A few weeks ago, after passing through the gauntlet, I relaxed and let down my guard; the assassin flew away as usual so I thought the game was over. I was not prepared for the sneak attack. My assassin got 3 points and I lay on the beach unable to move for several minutes. I’ve avoided that stretch of beach ever since. I’ve become afraid.

Today, for some reason, I needed to walk that stretch of beach. As I walked I steeled myself. I replayed the sneak attack. I prepared for the inevitable onslaught. I practiced not moving my shoulder. I developed strategies to react without hurting myself. I told myself I was an idiot. I questioned my sanity; why not wait until the shoulder thing was no longer an issue! I imagined the inevitable attack and played all the possible scenarios.

I was ready when I reached the assassins territory. And no attack came. In fact, my assassin gave me a free pass, not even a warning caw. Nothing! When I arrived home I laughed. I’d spent the entire walk worrying about and preparing for something that never happened. I walked into today, filled with assumptions and telling myself the story of yesterday.

Maybe this crow is not trying to kill me. Maybe it is trying to wake me up.

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