The Direction of Intention

165.
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[continued from 164]

There’s more to be said about the experience of being “in” the play or “out” of the play, being “in” life or “out” of life. It is more than just where you place your focus. Something happens, something distinct, important and tangible when your focus shifts from an internal to an external placement. A space of inclusion is created.

I understood early on that actors who were pretending, actors who were concerned about how they looked or were trying to determine what the audience saw, were actually blocking the audience from entering the story. If an actor’s focus was internal, they literally shut the audience out of the play; the audience could view but were blocked from participating. Transformation is a participation sport.

Like all forms of art, the theatre, in its essence, is about a coming-together, a group of people stepping into a shared experience. This space of coming together, this space of inclusion, is a step toward unity – this is a great definition for a sacred space; sacred space is a place of joining, a place where we transcend our little selves and we experience ourselves as something bigger. Sacred space is created – by us – when we place our focus outside of our selves. This joining is what art is all about. It is what life is all about.

I suspect that art, to truly serve its function, was never intended to be separate from day to day living. We are, after all, actors in our own play. And to be useful, to be transformational, living (presence) begins with learning to place your focus outside of yourself – in service to the creation of a space of joining.

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164.
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Jim Edmondson is one of America’s great theatre directors and for a few years at the beginning of my career I was fortunate to assist him several times and was able to call him friend. He told me once that the best actors are only “in” the play about 40% of the time. I was amazed because I thought the best of the best were capable of a higher percentage. I learned that what he told me was true; it is herculean to be present in a performance 40% of the time!

So much of what he taught me has carried over into this broader study of life. Think about it: how present are you “in” your life? Do you ever hit 40%? Will you ever be present 40% of your allotted time on this earth? It’s a tough one to crack because trying to be present guarantees that you are “out” of your play (because you are watching yourself). It is herculean to allow yourself to be “in” life, even if you know what your play is.

I like the terms “in” or “out” of the play, meaning to be present or not. It is a trick of language when “in” the play means your focus is out side of your self. You are “in” your life when your focus is on something other than your self, forget about your self and flow is yours! “Out” of the play means you are concerned about how you look or how others perceive you. It’s hard to be in the flow when your awareness is dancing with the inner critics.
Jim taught me a trick for when I would fall out of the play (life). Place your focus to something small, your thumbnail or a flower or a scent on the air – and once you have it, once your attention is “out there,” open it to include the people in the play with you. In the end, the play is not about you or me, it is about the space between us; flow is about the relationship we create together.

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160.
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This is what a friend said to me today: ”I know how to create a better life for myself. I recognize that I am always living in fear and looking toward tomorrow or angry at the past. I know that I can’t do anything about those things. I know that if I slow down and open to the intensity of the moment, I will see the subtleties. It’s the little things in the moment that give breath to life.”

Amen.

And then she said: “I know this. Why don’t I do it? Why do I drive myself crazy never being where I am but fighting past battles or resisting and fearing things that most likely will never happen? What is that about? I think it is a kind of addiction. I think I’m addicted to the drama. I think being a victim is addictive.”

Amen again.

Being a victim is addictive. What do you know about dealing with addictions? There is no magic bullet, only different choices and a determination not to dull or artificially heighten life (both take you out of it), but to live in it. And, as my friend so beautifully said, “Slow down and open to the intensity of the moment; see the subtleties.”

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159.
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Robert bought his house many years ago. It was a crack house and in terrible disrepair. Slowly over many years, after stripping it back to the studs and adding a second story, he has restored it. That is not so unusual. What is remarkable is that Robert is a working actor, which means he makes very little money when compared to other occupations like trash collector or janitorial engineer. His dream was to buy his own house and restore it and he found a way to do it.

For years he went to construction sites and asked if he could pick through the scrap lumber. He developed relationships and people gave him tips about where to go to get free stuff. He picked up vintage moldings, doors and hardware. He learned how to plumb and do electrics. He said, “I don’t know. Let’s find out,” a lot.

He worked slowly, one step at a time, careful not to rush to an imaginary end; it was important to him to love his house and love the process. Over many years, he converted a house that most people thought should be burned down into a charming 3 bedroom, 2 bath cottage and it cost him almost nothing. It is brilliant yellow and makes me smile every time I see it.

When I think of living in possibilities I think of Robert. Anything is possible if you aren’t in a rush to “get there.”

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158.
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Self-love is still on the front burner of my mind.

My last post brought a memory and a poem: a winter weekend retreat in Lake Tahoe, a gathering of special people investigating ways that we might bring our gifts together in some form or another: to offer workshops or retreats or…. Early on our conversations strayed from the form of what we might offer to who we were and what we believed and desired to do in the world. As I look back now I see how dissatisfied we all were with the work we were doing; we’d each compromised something essential in our selves and were looking for ways to get back to the center.

Early one morning Sam emerged from his room and offered a poem that he’d just penned:

Beloved by Sam Magill

First waking in rumpled hair
having not adorned myself
for public viewing
or put on my beauty masks –
will I allow myself to be
called Beloved?

This is a poem about self-love. Without my public mask, my wall of respect and my list of achievements, will I allow myself to be called Beloved? In the private space of my life, when no one is looking and I am not performing myself for others, will I allow myself to be called Beloved?

It is a given when you first enter this earth – there is no separation. At what point did being the Beloved become dependent shoe size, other’s ideas of you, university acceptance, bank account, and car choice? What would need to change for you to re-recognize your self as unique in the universe?

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157.
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I am still meditating on how achievement and self-love are connected in our culture – and how central this idea is to every client I have ever worked with (individuals and organizations). It is certainly a Puritan notion. Self-love is also anathema to the Puritan notion; you get to heaven through a lifetime of hard work and self-denial not self-love. Hard pews and stiff collars seem counterproductive. It’s always been an oddly self-destructive concept to me.

I’ve understood since I was little that negating myself can only lead to negating others. When I look on the world as filled with either angels or devils (dualities) and they are having a tug-o-war over my soul, then I am fundamentally creating a split consciousness. If angels and devils are the context through which I see (the circumstance of the story I tell), I will see dualities and splits everywhere. Temptation is the name of the self-denial game and I will be suspect of myself and therefore suspect of everyone I meet. I reinforce the split and not the unity. Why would I do that? Why would I create through the eyes of separation? Why would I reinforce within myself a split consciousness?

So what does this have to do with achievement and self-love? We identify ourselves through our doing. Every client I have is asking questions about the quality and value of their doing: comparisons, expectations, perfectionism, investments in stories of validity, questions about being enough, questions about doing the right life’s work; questions about voice, about creativity,… are questions of doing. All of the judgments and self-criticism are about doing enough or doing “what I was meant to do.” We are asking questions of doing and missing the questions of being. What about the quality of your being? This is akin to asking the question “How?” before asking the question, “Why?”

And so I ask myself, am I capable of loving myself if I never again paint another picture, teach another class, write another story, or achieve another thing? Yes. I believe the self-love comes first; achievement is only useful if it serves a greater community and service is only useful if it begins from a source of love.

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156.
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The owner of the boat dropped anchor at night just off the beach at Alki. He didn’t know that the water is shallow and the tides this time of year are extreme. He awoke to find his boat sitting on a sand bar.

Today, I feel like that boat. I dropped anchor in waters that were a bit too shallow. I wasn’t paying attention. When I woke up this morning everything was slightly askew. I opened my eyes and looked out into the world and found myself…stranded. There was no particular reason for my stranded condition, nothing that I could point to.

So, you can imagine how fortunate I felt when on my usual early morning walk and I came upon the boat on the sand bar. The owner and I exchanged smiles and shrugs. “Nothing to be done until the tide comes back,” he called and smirked. “I think I’ll make some breakfast.”

Sage advice. Sometimes when you find yourself stranded on a sand bar, real or metaphoric, there is nothing to be done but enjoy the place where you are stranded. The tide will come back, real and metaphoric, make breakfast and soon you’ll be on our way.

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