The Direction of Intention

37.

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I sit at his kitchen table holding my head in my hands. I have successfully melted down my life, ruined everything, destroyed my relationships, my job, and run away from everything and everyone. I ran hoping – believing – that I would find some air and be able to breathe. I’ve only just discovered that the thing that suffocates me… is me. He is laughing the laugh of knowing. He had this same moment when he was decades younger – when he was my age.

The last vestiges of my former life are the hundreds of paintings I carried with me when I ran. For weeks I’ve known that I need to be rid of them. I have this unbearable urge to burn them but how can I burn my own paintings? Serendipity brought me to this island and this man that was once a famous artist, a rising star in the New York art scene. He loved the art making and hated the art scene. The society and selling revolted him yet he was succeeding. His work was selling. He had collectors who wanted his paintings, not for the beauty of the art but for the investment; art as real estate. Art as part of a diverse portfolio – like stocks. He couldn’t breathe and one day without really knowing why he burned all of his paintings, locked his studio door and walked away. He walked for 15 years.

I was not seeking this man. I didn’t know his story until I was sitting at this kitchen table. He eventually stopped walking. He began painting again but he does not sell his work. He trades it for services or scrap for sculpture. Mostly he gives his pieces for pleasure. His life scares me because I know that I must take a similar leap. I know that my 15 year walk is only beginning. That is why I hold my head in my hands and that is why he laughs; he knows I have already made my choice and that I am standing on the edge, all that remains is to light a match and leap.

I look at him and ask, “When does the leaping stop?” He roars with laughter, his eyes fill with mirth-tears. He tells me what I already know the answer. “For you, never! The leaping just gets easier because you know that you must leap. Eventually you will stop fighting it so hard.”  He stares at me for a moment and adds, “Besides, after a few leaps you will learn that every leap is really an opportunity. You are scared because you are holding on to what you know when every fiber in your body is calling you toward uncertainty. What are you holding on to? Leap and don’t forget to breathe!”

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